Principles

"How do you stay so young looking?" my friends want to know. They ask me all the time remarking, "You look half your age." and asking, "What is your secret?" I used to jovially dismiss them, lilting, "You're only as young as you feel." or, "I'll never tell." But once my age unmistakably did begin to show I knew I had to actually do something for myself. It was an easy decision initially, considering how long I knew it would last and how impressed and envious my friends would be. It wasn't inexpensive though and I spent years working, scrimping, and saving money, neglecting my family at times, and tormenting myself over whether I was making the right decision. I can tell you now, unequivocally, that it was worth the investment. Financially, psychologically, emotionally, and in any other way you can think of: worth it. I just couldn't stand the thought I might start to disintegrate or something. I don't want animals and insects getting a piece of me. Bacteria!? 

I know that people are jealous. I know my wife is a little jealous and sometimes I feel bad about that. She could have made the same choice that I did. But she didn't. On principle. I even encouraged her to. I knew that if we didn't both do it then eventually one of us (her) would be left in the dust, so to speak (ha, ha). She would begin to look her age (is there anything worse?) while I would be garnering admiring looks and unbelieving comments from our neighbors, and often complete strangers! I suppose I could have given mine to her and some would argue that it would have been noble of me. But ultimately it would have been completely disingenuous. Who am I to pretend that, in the end, I'm not more important than she is (than anyone!), the top dog, number one? From the beginning of biochemistry, every action and every decision has been motivated by self-preservation, from the humblest single-celled amoeba right up through the (not so humble) 400-bazillion-celled homo-sapien. Should I have been buried with guilt over following the most basic instinct I have? We couldn't have shared it, that would never have worked. I even asked about that, and the salesman told me they didn't do it that way. Never had anyway. My wife wouldn't have gone for it even if they had been able to. Like I said: principles. I even look better than my kids. Now people ask me the same question: "How do you keep your youthful appearance?" I like to play a game: I ask them how old they think I am (like the old carnival game where the guy in the striped pants and suspenders guesses your age and weight. I sure would have fooled that guy now. Any day of the week. I'd swing by there every day, pay him a dollar and then collect it back and one on top of it for him guessing wrong. It would take him centuries to get it right, and I'm not kidding about that! And then all he'd get would be my one lousy dollar. How I'd laugh at that!) and they never guess more than half my real age. Half! I look better than my kids, for chrissake! I can prove to them how old I really am (it's etched in stone) and half the time they still think it's a trick. 

Anyway, nowadays instead of answering at all I just tap on the side of the box. I grin and rap with two knuckles right on the side of my Kreutzer Model KC-930 Deluxe Triple-Tempered, Double-Walled, Vacuum-Sealed, Chromium-Plated, Rubber-Wrapped Encasement Chamber. It's got titanium hinges and a quad-catch latch and a bio-stable gasket system to ensure nothing can get in that could start the aging process on me. No sir, no thank you. I've been in here nearly three centuries now and it still makes them jealous. Makes them regret not making the same investment when they had the chance. All except my wife. She's got principles. But I've got looks.