Faults
Some of my faults and shortcomings are as follows:
I am fairly poor at attracting the attention of a bartender. Even if the bar isn't particularly busy, I somehow manage to stand for several minutes (hours?) with my palms on the edge of the bar, usually between two people who are trying to have a conversation, opening my mouth to speak every time the bartender starts to turn my way (what would I say?). Next, I quickly close my mouth as s/he turns away (there was never any intention of acknowledging me) and go back to desperately hoping no one has noticed how long I've been unsuccessfully attempting to procure a nine-dollar beer.
Whenever I am meeting someone out, I try to avoid eye contact until we are within speaking distance. I often see the other person first and if I can, I pretend not to have seen them until we are in arm's reach and can greet with a handshake or friendly hug. Fifty feet takes such a long time to walk and I can't find the right expression to put on my face that won't make me look like a maniac. Once I've acknowledged them, I feel unfriendly looking away, but I feel like an idiot sporting some goofy gape-mouthed grin. Sometimes if eye-contact is made too early I try to make a joke by obviously looking away and whistling as if I am taking in the sights above my head somewhere. Then as we reach appropriate proximity to one another I obnoxiously start, as if I'm surprised at running into that person. Afterwards I'm always quite sure that the person thinks I am a bit too eccentric and will probably avoid speaking with me from now on.
I feel uncomfortable at dinner with large parties (two or more) when the time comes to split the check. I have an unshakeable fear that a) the group will not leave enough money for the bill and a fair tip (the waiter will come storming out the door after us, accosting me personally for short-changing him. I will be irreparably embarrassed and fumble through my wallet, throwing bills at him and apologizing endlessly. I'll never eat out again), and b) that the waiter will feel annoyed or burdened upon when we hand him eight credit cards and everyone is telling him at once how much to apply to theirs. I would perhaps rather eat alone, or just pay for the whole bill myself.
Sometimes I lie. Nothing too serious (I hope). It is always the same lie, and it happens when someone asks if I am familiar with such-and-such a thing or such-and-such a person. If I am not, I say I am nonetheless. I can't remember when this began. It seems that even as a child I would feign such knowledge for some reason, perhaps to avoid seeming ignorant, perhaps to avoid complicating or dragging out conversation. I have tried to break this habit and have been, to a limited degree, successful. Maybe it stems from some feeling of inadequacy when it comes to knowledge I feel my peers have that I do not (I missed a substantial portion of the 1980s and '90s (due to circumstances of dubious questionability) that my friends experienced). I do not know about the Jackson Five, or New Kids On The Block, or Pretty In Pink, or The Goonies. I don't feel that I've missed or lost anything of intrinsic value, except to the extent that it now affects my ability to relate socially to others in my age bracket. And how important is that really? (Very). I don't like lying and constantly feel like a fraud until I have parted company with those whom I've lied to. Which is virtually everyone. I lie less each year and soon I will be finished with the filthy business altogether (that is a lie too).
I don't like being drunk, which, as I write this, I am. I am quite sure that I will feel terrible tomorrow. I like being drunk, but I don't like the feeling that I know I will feel tomorrow, when I have to get up, and wear a suit, and act like a citizen. I received some terrible advice tonight, from another drunken human, which (I hope) I will never follow. The problem with drink is that it lowers (as they say) one's inhibitions, revealing (perhaps) one's true feelings and opinions. That is a frightening thought.
Editor's note: I am sober and feeling much better now.
During the transitional seasons (namely fall and spring) I tend to under-dress (with respect to weather conditions. I feel under-dressed virtually all the time in terms of social situations. It's not because I don't care, it's just that I don't really get it). There are several weeks in the fall when I will leave the house, knowing I'll be out all day, wearing far too few layers of clothing. I could just bring a jacket I suppose and the worst case scenario is that I carry it around (but I don't really want to carry it around. What if I have to climb a tree, or pursue a criminal? There's no reason to be unnecessarily burdened down by extra clothing at a time like that). So I find myself, without fail, standing around, uncomfortably cold and cursing my inability to think, before I leave the house, about a few varying possible weather conditions instead of the possibility of happening across a tree with the perfect lattice of branches beckoning me up. But I shouldn't really let those kinds of fantastical thoughts result in weather-related discomfort. I'm an adult, dammit!
Damn it.
I am fairly poor at attracting the attention of a bartender. Even if the bar isn't particularly busy, I somehow manage to stand for several minutes (hours?) with my palms on the edge of the bar, usually between two people who are trying to have a conversation, opening my mouth to speak every time the bartender starts to turn my way (what would I say?). Next, I quickly close my mouth as s/he turns away (there was never any intention of acknowledging me) and go back to desperately hoping no one has noticed how long I've been unsuccessfully attempting to procure a nine-dollar beer.
Whenever I am meeting someone out, I try to avoid eye contact until we are within speaking distance. I often see the other person first and if I can, I pretend not to have seen them until we are in arm's reach and can greet with a handshake or friendly hug. Fifty feet takes such a long time to walk and I can't find the right expression to put on my face that won't make me look like a maniac. Once I've acknowledged them, I feel unfriendly looking away, but I feel like an idiot sporting some goofy gape-mouthed grin. Sometimes if eye-contact is made too early I try to make a joke by obviously looking away and whistling as if I am taking in the sights above my head somewhere. Then as we reach appropriate proximity to one another I obnoxiously start, as if I'm surprised at running into that person. Afterwards I'm always quite sure that the person thinks I am a bit too eccentric and will probably avoid speaking with me from now on.
I feel uncomfortable at dinner with large parties (two or more) when the time comes to split the check. I have an unshakeable fear that a) the group will not leave enough money for the bill and a fair tip (the waiter will come storming out the door after us, accosting me personally for short-changing him. I will be irreparably embarrassed and fumble through my wallet, throwing bills at him and apologizing endlessly. I'll never eat out again), and b) that the waiter will feel annoyed or burdened upon when we hand him eight credit cards and everyone is telling him at once how much to apply to theirs. I would perhaps rather eat alone, or just pay for the whole bill myself.
Sometimes I lie. Nothing too serious (I hope). It is always the same lie, and it happens when someone asks if I am familiar with such-and-such a thing or such-and-such a person. If I am not, I say I am nonetheless. I can't remember when this began. It seems that even as a child I would feign such knowledge for some reason, perhaps to avoid seeming ignorant, perhaps to avoid complicating or dragging out conversation. I have tried to break this habit and have been, to a limited degree, successful. Maybe it stems from some feeling of inadequacy when it comes to knowledge I feel my peers have that I do not (I missed a substantial portion of the 1980s and '90s (due to circumstances of dubious questionability) that my friends experienced). I do not know about the Jackson Five, or New Kids On The Block, or Pretty In Pink, or The Goonies. I don't feel that I've missed or lost anything of intrinsic value, except to the extent that it now affects my ability to relate socially to others in my age bracket. And how important is that really? (Very). I don't like lying and constantly feel like a fraud until I have parted company with those whom I've lied to. Which is virtually everyone. I lie less each year and soon I will be finished with the filthy business altogether (that is a lie too).
I don't like being drunk, which, as I write this, I am. I am quite sure that I will feel terrible tomorrow. I like being drunk, but I don't like the feeling that I know I will feel tomorrow, when I have to get up, and wear a suit, and act like a citizen. I received some terrible advice tonight, from another drunken human, which (I hope) I will never follow. The problem with drink is that it lowers (as they say) one's inhibitions, revealing (perhaps) one's true feelings and opinions. That is a frightening thought.
Editor's note: I am sober and feeling much better now.
During the transitional seasons (namely fall and spring) I tend to under-dress (with respect to weather conditions. I feel under-dressed virtually all the time in terms of social situations. It's not because I don't care, it's just that I don't really get it). There are several weeks in the fall when I will leave the house, knowing I'll be out all day, wearing far too few layers of clothing. I could just bring a jacket I suppose and the worst case scenario is that I carry it around (but I don't really want to carry it around. What if I have to climb a tree, or pursue a criminal? There's no reason to be unnecessarily burdened down by extra clothing at a time like that). So I find myself, without fail, standing around, uncomfortably cold and cursing my inability to think, before I leave the house, about a few varying possible weather conditions instead of the possibility of happening across a tree with the perfect lattice of branches beckoning me up. But I shouldn't really let those kinds of fantastical thoughts result in weather-related discomfort. I'm an adult, dammit!
Damn it.
Comments
I feel primarily responsible for the 'circumstances of dubious questionability'. Let me explain (not defend, for it was with thoughtfulness that this was implemented).
There is only a certain amount of time. What you fill that time with is sometimes with thought and consideration. If not, the time is filled with whatever seems to be there; oozing, nudging itself in (Like the Jackson Five) osmosis-like.
The decisions to choose what you want to purposely expose your impressionable children to, knowing they may make a developmental-emotio-intellectual connection with it, is grave. Or not, if that isn't important to you.
Granted, as no parent is perfect and cannot see the future, you might want to offer that some of my choices might not have been your choices at the time... or would they have been given the cosmic arrangement? (Yay differences!)
"The Goonies", et al, lost out over Jim Bridger and friends. Consider that you can catch up on "The Goonies" (1985, you were 4) in a few minutes (except, perhaps, for the emotional connection... but weren't there other exciting treasure adventures... without the 'tudes at such an impressionable age?), but instilling self-sufficiency, love of outdoors, courage, determination, perseverance, etc, etc. takes work and strategy.
The hope was that books and real experiences were as enriching and perhaps inspiring and (ugh) educational. There's always plenty of time to absorb other cultural impressions when the mind is able to process mature themes and attitudes.
Ok, ok, maybe there were some questionable choices in that area... but with the ability to think logically, reason, discuss, love learning, forgive, be kind... its possible to overcome any negative affects of the 'bad' choices (my parents weren't perfect either). Proud of all of you. (#kitchentabletalks)
2. Thanks for the explanation. To clarify, my intention was to indicate that the questionability itself was dubious. I am VERY thankful for the choices you made as a parent, and feel that you gave me unique and valuable perspectives that I would never trade for a deep appreciation of The Goonies.